Monday, September 17, 2007

The Trap

Sometimes I would like to think that I am beyond the lessons of my "past" and that somehow once I have dealt with an issue that it should be gone and I won't struggle with it any more. I especially believe this because of all of the work I have done to become more self aware and uncover the lies in my head that flow out into my life, but reality... Nope... struggles are still there.

This Trap I am talking about is what I want others to think about me... which really points to how I think and what I believe about myself to be true... but, I am catching myself and learning about the freedom that comes from letting go of striving for perfection and trying to earn brownie points in the eyes of my friends and family, but I still struggle with it. I somehow want to prove myself to others. What if I blow my cover and people find out that I am really selfish?

For example, Jeff was talking yesterday about this desire he has for other people to think he's a good guy... I feel the same way... I often think, I want people to be impressed with how many cool things I am doing (either adventures or service or challenges) and when I am not having those or not understanding how what I am doing is leading to more of those things I am truly bummed. Its like its not worth it if I'm not seeing the reward while putting in the effort into my side of the equation. (some of these references refer to the teaching from yesterday, you should listen to it here).

*Side Note: I know that some of this is due to the passions in side of me and that I am bummed when I am not going in the directions that God is leading me (possibly and possibly not the current situation*

The truth is that I am free to be who God has created me to be, to grapple with the selfish parts, to be honest about them, and to be okay with who I am through God's eyes and not the "world's eyes". When I do this I have less pressure and more passion...

Paul says to the Galatian church, "Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Chrsit." and again to the church in Phillipi, "Whatever you do, work at it with all of your heart, as working for the Lord , not for men."

So, all this to say is that for others who struggle with perfection, comparisson, fear, and self-doubt... you aren't alone. My hope is that the more we connect with our true passions and where God is leading us, the more communities of people will help each other break the brownie point mentality...


Anonymous said...

but if we really do break it- does it matter who does it first?

Anonymous said...

Thanks for 'blowing your cover". A wise person recently said to me, (when i asked her a dumb question....) "Mom, We're all horrible people without Jesus." i think I know it but I still really want to be the 'one' exception sometimes. At my best, i revel in the freedom of the cross that keeps me from judging myself and others, and i long for that freedom for all the 'trapped'. At my worst I am the pharisee who really thinks everyone else should be like me, and the devil is dancing cause he knows i am deeply a part of 'the problem'. But then Jesus kicks the devil's butt and says he can't mess with me cause I belong to Jesus and once again I am covered and grateful and humbled and maybe of some good use in God's kingdom plan. I love my jesus. I love you. mom

Anonymous said...

We are destined to be friends! I have only met you once, but think of you often as your mother recants beautiful stories of her courageous warrior. My name is Megan Gasink, the new Youth Minister at St. John. God has been rocking my world in Jeremiah 17 this week. If my desire is to bear fruit in and out of drought, to be free of fear, and basicly to just live an abundant life as the daughter of an amazing king my roots must be in the stream of living water. I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUSH OR BUILD MY OWN BROKEN CISTERN! However, it seems the motivation of pride has gotten me "far." The desire to be the best has also led me to exhaustion. Well that sure doesn't seem like freedom. As I have transitioned in to a new place and stage in my life I recognize more then EVER my dependance has to be in Christ. It has to be His ministry (fail or succeed) and His approval! I pray that today I can live more in that mindset then yesterday...hopefully eventually it will come easier (with my past probably not until Heaven).
Desiring to be His Vessel