Monday, June 8, 2009

screaming on the inside

My life goes in waves... where I have a ton of balance, when I feel like I have all the time in the world, and when I feel like my head is spinning and I'm not doing anything to my full capacity... well, right now is the time when I feel like I'm running with too much on my mind to reflect the way I want, to see the people I want and I don't like it.

Now, I will preface this with, May has been crazy with traveling so much on the weekends and even during the week, with weddings and cramming all of my people time into the pockets of days that I happen to be in Raleigh. My hope is that as the traveling slows so will the racing in my soul... i'm going to check back in in a week or two and let you know if its been the in and out or if I'm trying to do too much.

The problem is, I don't know what I want to give up or even if I need to... Here are the things that keep my nights and weekends filled up...

Eating Disorders Anonymous-- If you read back through blog entries or remember how long it took me to get this started and how much I felt a calling towards this, you could understand why this needs to keep going.

Jubilee-- The human trafficking group I work with. I was reminded again this morning of one of the reasons I am so passionate about this injustice and travesty that happens locally and globally, but I feel a bit overwhelmed at times and wonder if anyone would care if I stopped coordinating everything...

My husband-- Our relationship is one of the most precious things to me. I will say that our travels together have provided some great time for us to connect and I am thankful for that. But, I have to protect time with him because its easy for me to just fill up all my nights with girlfriends or church people or new relationships or work or this group or that group. I'm thankful that he works a lot too because then we kind of are on the same wave length with balance in our relationship. He so special to me and I am thankful for the time that we get to spend together.

Our Families-- I have to admit that our families often fall in our priority lists because they aren't in front of us all the time. This makes me a little sad because I wish we had more time to build and grow relationships with both sides of our families. I recently got to spend quality time with his brothers and it was so much fun and then a quick trip visit with my parents reminds me of how great they are too!

Home Group-- Our church community is so precious to me. This is something that Matt and I get to do together as well and we get to connect with folks and it provides opportunities to grow as a learner, lover and giver. Not something we can give up.

Meeting with Friends and Visio Dei Folks-- This is one of my favorite parts of my job, but I prefer to meet for lunch or coffee or walk. But, since most people aren't as flexible as myself an I often want Matt to hang out with other couples, it feels like I'm cramming things in sometimes and feel guilty when I can't find a night to have dinner with people I care a lot about or want to get to know better. Its hard for me to balance my needs with what I see as potential friendships and God working through relationships with folks. Not mention friends that I don't get to see as often as I would like and we have to work for months in advance to plan a night to see each other, things like watching tv shows together, playing Bunko, etc.

NOFO-- I manage at Nofo every other Friday night. I was seriously considering giving this up as I was going on my run this morning. But, is it enough to make a difference? I really enjoy it and its my one opportunity to work the night shift on a regular basis and that is fun for me. Plus, it brings in an extra $100 or so a month, which I enjoy as well.

So, that is just a window into whats going on with me right now and how come my blog posts have been few and far between over the past several weeks.

I don't want to let anything go... in reality I just want to add more... where is my little green planner? Gotta check and see whats on tap for this week!


Kim Smith said...

Um, yeah... I'm not surprised that you feel overwhelmed at times because you are, like, Superwoman! You DO do a lot, and it's crazy that you seem to do it all so well. I wish that we got to spend more time together, but I understand that our lives are busy and it takes a lot of intentionality. Let me know if there is anything that I can do to help you feel less stressed. I love you!

Jenny Benny said...

wow. I knew you were busy but when you make a list like that...

I totally understand! I get myself over involved and can never decide how/what to pull back on.

Love you!

Anonymous said...

we appreciate the time you have given us traci. you love us well, and after reading this, i think we will make it a point to try to say less things about seeing you more etc. that might make you feel a little pressured. if so!! sorry.we just want you to know you are important to us too! i am so proud of you, and your list reflects a full life...but a 'real', full life...not many people have that in their lists. you are LOVED and ENJOYED....and you help others to love and enjoy. thanks. love,mom

traci said...

Thanks for the encouragement! I feel humbled from your responses. I am actually feeling a little bit better even after writing the post, some times you just gotta let it out!

To all of my friends who I don't see as much as I would like. I love you and please know that I am praying for all of these things and listening to the guidance of the one who makes any of this possible.

Mandy said...

Traci you are an amazing person and you do do so much VERY well. Even though we don't get to hang out or see each other as often as I would like (b/c we are both extremely busy) I do know you are there! You are an amazing woman of God and I am blessed to have you in my life. Praying today that you feel less overwhelmed!