WARNING: POSSIBLE EXCESSIVELY LONG POST AHEAD; CONTAINS EMOTIONS, UNCERTAINTY, AND MUCH MORE
I am hesitant to be blunt because I am not sure who my readers are, but I think my question "is this normal?" will alleviate any concerns from those who may be my superiors in the academic world... so here goes:
I just left a class where I spent most of the time thinking, "Seriously, people spend their time thinking about this stuff... why does this matter and who cares? Can't people just live their lives and figure these things out along the way." This may be because I have no background in psychology, but I feel the same way when I interact with my PhD peers... it appears that all that matters is school and learning and absoring knowledge... for some reason I am not that motivated... maybe not a good place to be when I am on track to spend the next 3-8 years trecking towards my title of "Dr."
I walked across campus thinking: maybe I should study something else, maybe this is just the first of the semester freak out, maybe I am experiencing something real about my calling in the world, what if I chose the wrong thing to pursue, what if I fail misserably, what if I just run away as fast as I can, do other people feel the same way I do?
On the positve side I feel like I am smart and should be able to accomplish a PhD. I was chosen by a group of people to be here with an assistantship because they believe in me. But, then why do I feel so much like I want to scream?
I get this lump in my chest (I think its anxiety)... it is right at the top of my rib cage in the very center... I have had this feeling before and I don't like it. It makes it difficult to breath, to eat, to relax, to focus, I just want to alleviate it. My hope is that this post will provide a bit of catharsis... and as we speak the lump is subsiding, just a bit...
Maybe I will do some coloring tonight, that usually helps. Well, off to Econometric Statistics...